My attention has been caught several times lately by the song Tim McGraw sings titled, "Live Like You Were Dying". For the sake of coherent thought I'm going to copy some of the lyrics......
"He said, 'I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me, and a moment came that stopped me on a dime. I spent most of the next days, looking at the X-rays, talkin' 'bout the options, and talkin' 'bout sweet time.' I asked him, 'When it sank in, that this could be the real end, how'd it hit you, when you got that kind of news, man, what'd you do?'
He said, 'I went sky-diving, I went Rocky Mountain climbing, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu, and I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying.' And he said, 'Someday I hope you get tht chance to live like you were dying.'
He said, 'I was finally the husband that most the time I wasn't, and I became a friend a friend would like to have. And all of a sudden going fishing wasn't such an imposition, and I went three times that year I lost my dad. I finally read the Good Book, and I took a good, long, hard look at what I'd do, if I could do it all again....' ".
There are a couple of reasons why these lyrics have taken up residence in my head lately. Last week my great-aunt came to stay with me for a week, and my brilliant, funny, out-spoken, determined, independent aunt, who has always seemed bigger than life, seems to be suffering the beginning stages of alzheimers. We had a wonderful time - we shared stories, memories and laughter, were surprised by the many similarities in our lives, although two generations apart, and had a time I'll never forget. She only had one "bad" day while she was here - one morning she woke up and politely asked me who I was as I was fixing her coffee. Luckily we had been working on our family tree, and I was able to show her how I fit into her life. After breakfast I went to my bathroom and sat on my rug and cried. Partly because I love her so much, was enjoying our time together, then somehow I got lost in the foggy cobwebbed corners of her mind where she stores 85 years worth of people, experience, stories, sadness and joys. I was no longer part of her present that morning, and I cried for my loss, and hers as well. How sad it must be to forget the people you love and memories you've cherished. To have parts of your memory go on strike and refuse you knowledge of your own life.
The next morning she was back to her normal self and remembered me, and we had another great day, for which I am eternally grateful. When it was time for her to go home I knew I would miss her, but I was filled with sadness because she might now miss me, or remember our time together, time that was so meaningful and precious to me.
Another reason I've been thinking about this son so much is because my life seems to be topsy turvey everywhere I look. I've had some health difficulties this year that have set me back some, and after my recent (and first) mammogram, I've been notified by the hospital that my mammogram came back with some abnormalities - which I'm assuming is referring to more than thier size alone - and that I need to come back in when I can to have a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound done to get a "better picture" of what it might be. I'm taking the days as they come knowing that it could be nothing at all, but also knowing that my grandmother died 27 years ago of breast cancer. While I don't like to dwell on gloom and doom scenarios, I do like to be realistic, and realistically it could be that just as easily as it could be nothing serious. Fretting about it at this point won't help or change anything, and as I told my mom, if it were something more serious, I have enough extra to make a whole new one just as big, and the thought of having multiple wigs to confuse people does seem a bit adventurous!
This situation also makes me contemplate the words of that song. Not to be melodramatic, because I'm fully aware taht it could be absolutely nothing at all, I just prefer to visualize all possible outcomes and explore how I would feel in each case, so no matter what happens I feel somewhat prepared. The lyrics of the song as some very vital questions, and make thought provoking statements. The man with the threatening diagnosis talks about the things he did when he found out he might be dying. Some of these things I doubt would cross my mind as sane options, as my goal would be to preserve and extend my life, but there are things I would do. I would greet each morning with a resolve to live like it might be my last (Truly, each of us should contemplate that possibility as none of us are promised tomorrow - with or without a scary or unknown diagnosis), and to be true to myself. What would I do if I knew the number of my days? How would my priorities shift? What caution would I throw to the wind, and what things would I attempt, knowing that failure didn't matter so much as the fact that I attempted it? I might not go sky-diving or angry bull riding, but I might make different decisions in my every day life. I would cherish my time with friends and family even more. I would write more letters to people to tell them what they mean to me, or thank them for a long ago kindness. I would spend more time with my daughter and try to think of everything I want to say to her before she grows up. How to expect and accept nothing but the best in her life, and make decisions for herself, and not worry about what other people think or expect of her. I would plan a long road trip to go anywhere I could to see beloved friends and family, I would be more thoughtful and caring, and do more "pay it forward" deeds in hopes that it would impact more people than I could physically meet or touch. I would want to share my time with people who love me just the way I am - to be surrounded with love, acceptance, laughter and true friendship. I would want to be a better friend, and the best mom I can possibly be. I would worry less about what strangers might think of me, I would take more time to say nice things to people I pass on the street or in the store, be more aware of those around me, and like Christmas, I would take joy in finding the "pefect" gift for everyone on my list, except these gifts would be from my home and from my heart. I would try to end each day with less regret than the day before, and share all that I have been blessed with, with others who may not be as fortunate.
I don't have to be dying to make these changes in my life, to live my days more fully, I can just live like I am....
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